How are your friendships during the pandemic? Are you feeling more lonely than usual? We are too, and in this episode you’ll learn 4 tips for navigating friendships during Pandemic Times.
This episode is sponsored by Vocalic R Floods Nonfiction Text Unit. https://bit.ly/3ho3wDF
For lesson ideas and happiness tips: www.slphappyhour.com/newsletter
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Transcript
Sarie: Welcome to the SLP Happy Hour podcast, up today we discuss navigating the changing tides of friendships during a pandemic, plus we got some life updates, a family story from me, and a self-care challenge.
(Intro)
From the Speech Room of/Life Update/ Emotional Check in
Sarah: And we’re back with an episode where we talk about friendships in pandemic times, but first up let’s do a little emotional check in and life update - what’s going on with you, Sarie?
Sarie: Oh, wow last month was a lot. Workwise the big update is in regards to next school year. Where right now I primarily do early childhood evaluations and therapy for just one group of high school students - next year (as I predicted) that will be changing. Next school year, I will continue to work part-time, I will be 3 days per week, but will be returning to an elementary school I have previously served. I have a lot of mixed feelings about this change. Right now working with elementary aged students is what makes me the happiest and I’m excited to return to a school that I loved. I do expect that I’ll need to ask for help more than I’ve needed to in the past to make things work serving this site part-time and I’m also sad that part of this change will mean saying goodbye to the self-contained high school group I’ve been with ever since my CF year.
Personally things were hard last month. I’m going to try to not be too much of a downer. Over the past year, we have experienced the loss of 5 members of my family, not because of COVID - due to other reasons, but the pandemic has separated us during times where we normally would be together to remember and honor our loved ones. I had a wonderful great uncle who passed last month, who I was close to like a grandfather and I was so sad that I didn’t get to see him one more time. I’m also dealing with a good amount of guilt for having not done more to keep in touch with him during the pandemic. Hearing the news of his death really hit me hard on top of hearing of the passing of a favorite former school teacher who was a cornerstone of the community where I live. I’m really sorry to be such a downer but last month really was a roller-coaster ride for me and I just wish I could hit the pause button on life just for a moment to cry it out and recollect myself but that’s not the way things work is it? So just a quick little shout out to y’all out there who have also lost family members during the last year and haven’t had the time, space or access to support you normally would have had to process and mourn. I’m thinking of you and wishing you all the love for what you’re going through right now.
Sarah: Oh my goodness - Thank you for sharing that. I am going to call you on something - out of love. Don’t say sorry for being a downer. Your welcome for being a downer - for welcome for me being authentic and sharing what’s in my life. I do think it’s a gift to be vulnerable in our audience, and our audience is welcome to it and they are honored and no need to be sorry.
But jeez - there’s a lot of grief and loss out there right now, and we all have down times. Feel the feelings, Sarie. I’m so sorry for your loss. Like you said it is especially difficult now as it’s difficult to gather with other people during the pandemic and I’m guessing there may have been some older people or those with health issues who couldn’t attend if there were any gatherings. Here in Oregon we are close to everyone who wants to be vaccinated being vaccinated but we aren’t there yet. There’s already a lot of loss, and experiencing loss when some of us aren’t at our strongest is a real challenge.
As for my updates, this is my last month at my school job. I’ve been an SLP in the schools for my entire career, and for the past 4-5 years I’ve worked halftime in my own clinic and halftime in the schools. It feels hard to walk away, but this year has been more stressful, sleepless nights and honestly anxiety than I’d like and so I’m transitioning to full time work in my own clinic from now on. It’s bittersweet, I think it’ll help my stress levels - but I do love working in the schools. But with my clinic really bustling, and my clinic made it intact through a worldwide pandemic, I’m admitting to myself that I don’t need a second job for security’s sake, my own clinic is pretty secure. Financial security is important to me because I make our household income, but for now I’m ready to jump into the pool of being my own boss full time, and I’m doing that for my own mental health, energy, sleep - and more.
Also, if you are new here I’m waiting for the borders between the US and China to open for travel again, at which point I’ll get to bring my child home (I’m in the middle of the international adoption process) I’m hoping that with increased vaccinations that’ll happen this year. I talk about that more on some episodes that aired last month; but thinking about being a mother to a toddler and keeping up my current workload feels really impossible, so especially for the school piece - it was time to step away for my own emotional well being but also to get more bandwidth and hopefully be more present for my family.
That said, transitions are hard. Even though this work change is, I believe, for the best - so much seems up in the air right now, and that’s hard to process. There’s a lot going on and I know I’m not the only person feeling emotionally raw right now.
Sarie: Transitions are so hard! No matter if it’s a good change or a change you’ve been planning for over a long time, it’s still hard to transition. And we both have some big changes happening right now, as I’m sure our that listeners do too.
So those are both of our life and work updates for now. And I have little short personal story/memory to share today relating to my family updates. So my Great Uncle Dave is one of my family members who just recently passed. I say great uncle, he’s my grandpa’s brother and we just called him “Great Uncle” but I don’t actually know if that’s the proper term.
Sarah: I’m of no help to you Sarie, I have no idea.
Sarie: Anyway, my Great Uncle Dave was a lively storyteller and a very jovial person to be around. He lived in Friday Harbor on San Juan Island with his wife of 63 years and we visited often growing up. Uncle Dave could keep us kids entertained just by telling stories and he could make them up like anything. No props, no pictures, just the sound of his own voice and the way he spun words. I remember he had an old self-playing, acoustic piano in his house and he told my sister and I this story about a musical ghost that lived there and liked to play their piano. And we saw proof, that piano played by itself! He had us completely convinced that a piano playing ghost lived there and to this day I still feel a sense of wonder about that old piano and you couldn’t pay me to play it. Well another thing my Uncle Dave was also known for were his sourdough pancakes. Whenever you visited him you were guaranteed to get a sourdough pancake breakfast. He made quadrupled batches to serve his famous pancakes at family reunions, and everyone looked forward to it. Now, if you’re not familiar with sourdough, it’s made from a starter that is basically fermenting yeast and bacteria that you have to maintain by “feeding” it, as people like to say, on a regular basis. And I just found out that my uncle has had and maintained the same sourdough starter since he first got married. He has maintained the same sourdough starter for 63 years, that’s pretty amazing. What’s kinda special is my mom’s sourdough starter was taken from Uncle Dave’s several years ago and to honor his memory we’re planning a sourdough pancake breakfast together to swap memories and enjoy one of his favorite foods. Just a fun little lighthearted family memory I wanted to share as I think about this special man who left us this year.
Sarah: Does your family have acceptable toppings for the pancakes - or anything goes? What is the family culture on that?
Sarie: I keep it simple, but my siblings are peanut butter pancake people for sure.
Sarah: My husband’s family has a Sunday night dinner tradition of banana bread and popcorn for dinner. I find it very unsatisfying as a dinner, so I just wanted to know if you
Sarie: I didn’t register it was just a dinner - not a snack.
Sarah: Yup, I’m hungry ten minutes later. I love my family, but that dinner leaves me hungry. We are recording this in 2021, where it’s been a year and a half of social distancing. And while vaccinations are ramping up, we are also hearing about an upcoming fourth wave of the Coronavirus Pandemic which means masking and social distancing is more important than ever. That said, many of us - Sarie and I included - are feeling the negative effects of reduced social time on our own emotional well being.
Like you, we know that social connections are important for well being and happiness. Friendships where you can honestly talk about important topics - love, happiness, spirituality, and your mental and emotional health. At a time when it feels harder to reach out - and once you do reach out, fewer and fewer people are responding because they are having their own life challenges, there may be times when you want to throw in the towel or reaching out feels very one sided. And sometimes it may be difficult for us to reciprocate - when life feels busy or hard or overwhelming, friendships can be the thing we cross off our to-do list because it gets crowded out by other needs. Even though we should probably prioritize friendships at the top of our lists, many of us cross off social obligations and reaching out to others when something has gotta give.
So how can we adjust our expectations, our methods, and our friendships during Pandemic Times to foster this honest, open social connectedness - and do it at a time when friendships feel more difficult than ever. Is it possible to foster stronger connections and friendships, even in a Pandemic? And how do we do that? And what are the challenges to friendship in the times of the pandemic?
Sarie: Also, considering our friend’s expectations, which we’re not able to meet right now, how do we support our friends while setting healthy boundaries to protect our own well being? And how do we make new friends and build new relationships while still trying to follow quarantine guidelines? When you’ve just moved to a new area or started a new job and are hoping to find some friends and companions to spend time with, how to you even do that when you only communicate with coworkers over the phone and social outings and events where you could typically meet new people are basically not an option due to the pandemic?
Sarah: There are so many challenges - one challenge I’ve found in my own life is reaching out to and connecting with other people. Some of my friendships it feels like have fallen off the face of the earth - either I haven’t reached out as often as I’d like to or I have reached out with no response. I’m working hard to not take it personally because I know a lot of people are struggling right now. But I also wonder if a lot of people are also feeling like if they are overwhelmed, if they are pushing friendships aside and if that is going to be good for them. It might, but the research on social connections is strong - we need each other and prioritizing our friendships does increase our sense of purpose and meaning, happiness and possibly even how long we live.
Sarie: I’ve had similar experiences but lately I worry I’m the person on the other end of this. Since having a baby, who is now actually a toddler, life has completely changed. Everything is about this little person, monitoring him to make sure he’s not climbing on things or getting into places that he shouldn’t, changing diapers, feeding, comforting - it’s constant! When I have time for myself, I often just need to be by myself, just to have a moment of silence and peace. I’ve gotten quite covetous of those times and when they’re interrupted I can be grumpy about it. Say it’s nap time and just after I’ve put the little one down, I get a phone call from a friend. Truthfully, more often than not, I hesitate to answer the phone because that is basically the only time I have in the day to myself and I am now giving that precious time up when I need it to reset. So I think this has been hard for some friends to understand, why I don’t have as much time to talk or listen, but my closest friends (like you Sarah) have been very understanding that life has drastically changed for me and accepted those changes with an open heart.
So if you can relate to these friendship struggles, Sarah and I have 4 tips for little shifts you can make in your mindset and in the ways that you reach out to friends right now that will help you to sustain them.
Tip One - accept your friendships will change over time. As I talked about, for me personally, some big life changes have drastically altered my ability to connect with friends. For everyone, in general, it’s just natural that life experiences change people over time. Their perspectives change, jobs change, locations, their life goals and interests - all of these things change as we get older. Consider what those changes have been for yourself and for your close friends. Understand that change is just a part of life - yours and your buddies. While changes can be hard to adjust to, good friends will support each other and accept the changes that come our way.
Tip Two - like eating well and exercising - make time for those friendships a part of your physical and emotional health plan. Schedule time to connect with your friends. Sarah and I try to connect every week, most often through texts or polos (which is a phone app that allows us to send each other video messages) and if we haven’t had a chance to talk, we schedule a time! I’ve done similar things for other friends too. I have some beautiful golden friendships that have really helped me get through some hard times and they are worth investing in and maintaining! If you are someone new to an area who wants to make new friends but doesn’t know where to start - make that a priority. Look on local community event pages to find other local “singles” if you will, in need of a friend. There is a site called meetup.com that’s entire purpose is helping people to meet others and build new relationships. In the small town where I live we have a sweet seasonal community newsletter that goes out from our parks and rec department announcing local events, virtual classes and pandemic safe activities to join into. Your own parks and rec may do something similar. It’s worth setting aside some time to check out if you are in this situation and feeling isolated, especially during this pandemic.
Sarah: Yeah, making friends as grownups is hard, isn’t it? There’s no way around that.
Tip Three - It’s OK to walk away from friendships that aren’t good for you. This doesn’t mean a transactional friendship (i.e. friendships to get us ahead) - but just once you feel like the relationship isn’t healthy or isn’t serving you and your friend or you are giving and giving energy and the friendship isn’t reciprocal, love them from afar. You want positive friendships - that doesn’t mean you don’t go through hard times but it does mean it’s more good than bad and you feel good about continuing the friendship. A stable relationship is one where they show up for you and you show up for them.
I also wanted to add - living during the Coronavirus pandemic is bound to change our friendships. For me, there are people I don’t hang out with at all anymore because they haven’t been masking and social distancing, and I’m prioritizing my health and because I could be a carrier for Coronavirus the health of my students and the people I love is paramount, so that’s just one example.
Tip Four - Make time, show up and accept this - not all time needs to feel productive (i.e. that we have an end product to show for it) - some of the most meaningful experiences in life aren’t things you can accomplish or cross off your to-do list
Sarie: So, of these tips, the one I personally need to keep in mind the most is that it’s okay to walk away from friendships that aren’t good for you. Maintaining friendships after having a baby and during a pandemic has really opened up my eyes on some of my relationships. These big changes in my life have put strains on some of my friendships in ways that I did not expect. I have experienced guilt trips from friends who didn’t feel I was there for them as much as I should have been and I found myself apologizing when I did nothing wrong. And then I found myself trying to make-up for what I was accused of, only to feel resentful that my own life experiences were not acknowledged, as though what I have been going through was somehow less important than what my friends were going through. As a result I resented them more and even felt apathetic towards them, without any further desire to continue the relationship. Too often I am the “giver” in friendships and it has been too easy for me in the past to give time, consolation, and emotional energy to others and right now I don’t have any extra emotional energy to spare. I simply can’t do it anymore, I need to set some boundaries. And friends who cannot respect that or who are needing more than I can give right now, need to seek what they need from someone else and I need to be okay with letting them go. So that’s something I’m working on and trying to come to terms with.
Sarah: You know sometimes what I’m trying to keep in mind too is that sometimes when we need to walk away - that’s good for our friends too because we are already not being the kind of friends they are desiring. As I worry about the dissolution of friendships I try to remind myself this is probably better for my friend, too.
And as we talk about what to do better - Sarie Google says it’s your Grand Uncle Dave, so Uncle Dave for short feels perfect.
Honestly, I need to work harder to reach out to family. With my own friendships right now and even relationships with family, I’ve been good and staying in touch with some people but not others. Particularly my grandmother, we haven’t seen each other in person in almost 2 years now. I should pick up the phone and call but don’t. I know that’s a family relationship, but it’s a social connection that is important for me. I think I need to follow tip four, make the time and show up and realize even if I have other things to do, this is more important.
Sarie, There is a Chinese proverb that says, “A bosom friend afar, brings distant lands near.” It reminds me that, especially while living separated, friends help us to feel connected and together. Taking care of our friends, making time to make new friends and to sustain our current friendships is taking care of ourselves as well. So just to review our four tips:
Accept friendships will change over time.
Prioritize friend time into your physical and emotional health plan
Walk away from friendships that aren’t good for you
Make time and show up
Sarah: And we really can’t talk about friendships (especially during Pandemic Times) without talking about loneliness. Overall research suggests people today are more lonely than 15 years ago, and if you want more on this I love the book by Vivek Murthy called Together, but in it one of the statistics he shares is that being lonely is bad for your emotional and physical health, it has similar detrimental effects to smoking FIFTEEN cigarettes per day. Now, I’m not a smoker but that seems like a lot. Plus social media yes is making us more lonely more so than bringing us together - at least moderate and overuse of social media makes us feel more lonely and less connected.
Sarie: Also with regards to social media, remember that people generally post pictures of good things and happy moments on their social media. So if you find yourself comparing your life to the perfect lives you see on others social media accounts and going on a downward thought spiral about why things aren’t working out for you the way they seem to be for everyone else...it may be time to log out, turn off notifications and take a little break from social media.
Sarah: Such a good point. The messy and boring stuff doesn’t make for such pretty pictures, so we don’t see that, huh?
So yes - I understand when things get busy it can be hard to reach out and to be honest personally I haven’t been in a great place for a year in a half. I do try and reach out but if I get no response or limited responses, I’ve kind of lost touch with those people because I just need it to be more equal because I don’t have a lot to give right now.
Sarie - have you felt lonely in the past few years? How do you deal with people who are lonely but may not reciprocate or get back to you?
Sarie: To quote you Sarah, I love them from afar. When I’ve been in similar situations and have reached out to someone I know is alone and they do not respond, I may try a couple more times before taking it as a sign that they need some space from me right now. I accept that fact and love them from afar, ready and willing to be there for them when they next want to reach out. And in the meantime I will seek the connection that I need elsewhere. But I must also note that we cannot expect our friends to be mind readers. If you are lonely and resenting a friend for not calling, then you need to step up and call them to fill that need for yourself. Look out for you boo, don’t let resentment fester and aggravate your own loneliness and depression by building up resentment over unrealistic expectations.
Sarah: Also, don’t take it personally because they may be struggling. They also may reciprocate differently and have a way to communicate they like better. And just trusting the ebb and flow of relationships. Honestly my guess is that a lot of people are struggling with their mental health right now - I know I’m more anxious than usual this year and they just can’t, so connecting with common humanity and that this is them doing their best helps a little. But I have my days where it really gets me down too.
Sarie: I have my days too and it’s so hard not to take it personal when efforts are reciprocated. When a text isn’t replied to or a phone call not returned it's really hard not to worry about it. I often start to run through everything in my mind over and over again to see if I can figure out what I did wrong that this person doesn’t want to talk to me only to find out nothing was wrong they just had their own busy life to get through and weren’t able to get back to me. So as people who struggle with social anxiety and have experienced a little loneliness this past year we have a self-challenge to share with you now.
Sarah: If you have the energy to give to it (so ask yourself that first) reach out to one lonely person with gratitude, time or thankfulness. I love reading happiness research and we know gratitude (a thank you card, text, phone call) helps our mental health and has a ripple effect and makes the next person nicer to the next person. So reach out to one person, don’t expect them to reciprocate, and send some thankfulness.
3 Good Things
Sarah: walking in the forest, AM journal writing, and getting back to going to therapy fairly regularly
Sarie: new joggers, jeopardy hosts, daily exercise me time
Outro
Sarie: And that’s today’s show. In this episode Sarah and I both shared some quick life updates and changes. We discussed tips for maintaining friendships and relationships right now. Again those tips were:
Accept friendships will change over time.
Prioritize friend time into your physical and emotional health plan
Walk away from friendships that aren’t good for you
Make time and show up
We also discussed how to deal with feelings of loneliness and Sarah offered a self-care challenge for you to reach out to someone your concern may be feeling lonely right now.
As always if you want links to anything we discussed today find the show notes on our website at www.slphappyhour.com and click on the show notes tab.
Sarah: Sponsored by
This episode is sponsored by the R Floods Vocalic /r/ nonfiction readings unit in our teachers pay teachers store.
This packet has (all with a focus on vocalic /r/ articulation reading) with a floods and climate change theme:
Vocalic /r/ sentences (10 for each type of vocalic /r/, for a total of 60 sentences)
5 Readings, each with vocabulary terms and comprehension questions
Each reading includes a fill in the blank and vocabulary task that can be sent home for homework
Two bonus homework sheets
Each reading also comes with vocabulary words and definitions and comprehension questions so students can practice their articulation skills in structured Q & A activities after the reading. This is perfect for groups or for screen sharing since each single page includes everything you need (readings, vocabulary words, and comprehension questions).
If you want to take a look, go to teachers pay teachers.com and search for the SLP Happy Hour store or follow the link in the show notes or wherever you listen to podcasts.
https://bit.ly/3mXpYUT
We are coming at you from Southern Oregon, the weather report is sunny 70F things are blooming and the allergies are fully activated and this is a beautiful time to live in Oregon, this episode is recorded on the land of the Talkelma and Cow Creek Umpqua Tribes.
Sarie:
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