In this episode, Sarah shares an adoption update as she waits for borders to open with China, and has been waiting for more than a year to go to China to bring her child home as borders between the US and China are closed due to Coronavirus related travel restrictions.

Sarah and Sarie also share a total of six predictions of how increased virtual therapy during the Coronavirus pandemic has changed the face of speech therapy forever. The cohosts also share three good things getting them through the week.

Time Stamps:

0-17:33 Sarah’s adoption updates

17:33-23:20 SLP Predictions for the future

23:20-25:55 Three good things

25:55-end A recap of the episode and resources

This episode is sponsored by our Childhood Apraxia of Speech Bundle: https://bit.ly/2RQdZgv

Want self care and speech therapy tips? www.slphappyhour.com/newsletter

Transcript

Sarie: Hello and welcome to the SLP Happy Hour Podcast. Up today, we are sharing an adoption update from Sarah, plus how we think the Coronavirus pandemic has changed the future of speech therapy, so let’s get to the show.

(Intro)

Sarah: It’s time to talk about adoption. It’s been awhile since I’ve shared my story on here, so it’s time for an update. Just as a warning, I’m pretty nervous to talk about this because it’s so personal but it’s a story that is important for me to share, so here we go. So, I’ve been in the process to adopt a child from China for two and a half years. The process has been long, complicated, and hard.

If you are curious about why I chose international adoption, I do want to say that all adoption is difficult and I talk more about that in Episode 41.

In March 2020 I was DTC which stands for Dossier to China. This is the culmination of getting our home study done, which was more than a year of paperwork for the US side of things, which culminated in a home visit by a social worker to tour the house and we spent two long days being interviewed about our childhoods and what kind of parents we’d be. So, after that was a dossier process took me another six months or year, and that's where we prepared China specific paperwork including getting started with immigration documentation with USCIS - united states immigration, and involved a trip to Portland, about 4-5 hours away depending on traffic to get fingerprinted and photographed.

In March 2020, everything stopped. Due to Coronavirus, there was a travel ban. You cannot travel between the United States and China. That means we can’t get in, and our child can’t get out. The travel ban was implemented to reduce the spread of Coronavirus, and while some countries (like Taiwan) have opened up to adoption travel, China has not. We are not getting ANY updates. I literally haven’t heard anything from China about travel in a year. Our adoption agency is doing their best to be in communication with us with meetings with waiting parents like me every month or two, and it’s better than nothing, but we really need to hear from China. So, it’s been a year of the travel ban - 13 months so far actually and we still know nothing.

We can send a video to our child once per month, and we’ve gotten some photo or video updates every few months from the orphanage, which is really appreciated. We aren’t allowed to visit, send items, or do phone or video calls. Because adoptions were paused (that’s the term the agency is using), our paperwork hasn’t been processed in China. So, when we sent all our Dossier paperwork in March 2020 to our knowledge it hasn’t been processed and has just been sitting there, and China hasn’t officially accepted the match with our child.

I worry about my child because I’m sure orphanages are overcrowded and the kids are getting less attention than usual. I’ve also heard the childcare workers at the orphanage have to go on two week shifts where they live at the orphanage and don’t get to see their families, and then go home for two weeks just to help halt the spread of Coronavirus, so I’m guessing the workers are quite burned out as well, that just tugs at my heartstrings and feels like a difficult situation for the caregivers as well.
So there is no news. Travel is closed, it is closed because of Coronavirus, and it will reopen someday. We haven’t gotten any new news about this in more than a year, so there are really no updates. I know people who want to care ask for updates, but unless I share an update there aren't any. It gets tiring to say month after month, nope, still no updates - for now 13 months.

Sarie: This is a difficult topic to talk about and deeply personal. Sarah has been getting a lot of questions about the status of her adoption and each time, I can only imagine, these questions can trigger a pang of heartache and loss. So we’re going to do an episode today to share Sarah’s current experience. We’ll do it in an interview style. I’ll ask Sarah questions and she’ll respond. To start, Sarah can you share what you would like our listeners to know about what this past year’s experience has been like for you?

Sarah: There has been lots of unresolved grief. Grief is tricky because I may feel fine for a few days only to feel sad and hopeless for a while after that. There are days when I question if the adoption is really going to go through, and there are times when it feels like nothing is going to work out. I think the context is important here, so two years of doing really fiddly paperwork and lots of it, having to redo it, having very little privacy and having things be in limbo - it’s not just the waiting, it’s everything. And also for context, the adoption has been hard, but so has everyday life, and I know I’m not the only one. I’ve struggled with burnout this year and although it hasn’t been as deep as I’ve experienced it in the past, it’s still been a struggle. I also have several people close to me struggling with significant depression, and that’s taken a lot of my energy. I’ve also personally felt more anxious than usual, so I don’t feel like I’ve have as many resources as I usually do. It’s been difficult. If you’ve had a death in the family, my father is deceased, I’d compare it most to that, and again - my child is still alive, but it’s normal and natural to feel an unresolved grief and unresolved loss of a year together, especially an entire toddler year of my child’s life and the repercussions of that and also to have no idea what’s going to happen next and no control over it. I do follow vaccination news and hope that when here in the US more people are vaccinated, that travel will open up again and that’s what I’m counting on happening - I just don’t know when.

Sarie: Sarah you already outlined the background story and that right now everything is currently at a standstill without any updates. With everything at a standstill, what are you doing right now to keep your spirits up?

Sarah: Crying. No, it totally depends on the day. Mostly, radical self care - some days I feel like taking care of myself is my primary job and my full time job (and yes, I work full time too as an SLP).

Being more vulnerable - saying to people around me “this is a hard day, can we talk?” telling my husband hey I’m having a hard week can we talk about it or go on a Coronavirus-safe date, or I really need something to look forward to, let’s plan a hike or a night of takeout.

Seeing the good - every day I ask myself what is going right. I had a rough day recently where for one minute I sat on the front porch and felt the sun on my face, that was it. That was the one thing that went right, but it was there.

I’m also an advocate for therapy and medication if you need it during hard times, and I’m accessing the support recommended by my doctor and therapist.

Sarie: And what is the adoption agency doing right now to help support your family through this time?

Sarah: Adoption with China is an old and stable program. I think when adoptions halted we were surprised as parents and the agency was surprised as well. For a long time, it was nothing but lately they’ve done regular group meetings with waiting parents on Zoom and are going to start doing Province specific meetings this month - so we’ll get to meet other parents whose children are living in the same province or area as our child. And I will say this - because my mental health isn’t where I want to be, I skip some of the meetings. I’m really what hippies call an empath and I catch emotional contagion really easily, so if people in those meetings are anxious or it gets doomsday, I need to not attend or hang up - because it starts to feel worse. Or, if I’m just not in a good space and know that before the meeting I’ll ask my husband to attend alone. My husband Alex is a super chill guy, and so he doesn’t have the same reaction to these meetings. So that’s been a big support when I just can’t go. And I am so thankful these meetings are starting and are available just as check ins.

Sarie: Would you prefer if family and friends ceased asking for updates for the time being? While check-ins are well meaning and come from a caring place, they can also be triggering. What would you like people to know or consider when they check-in with you or others they know going through a similar experience?

Sarah: It is OK to acknowledge “I don’t want to ask, because I know it’s painful but are there updates?” But honestly at this point I’d prefer people not to ask. Truly, if there’s an update I’ll shout it from the rooftops - everyone will know. Again, just because I’m trying to find good metaphors here, let’s compare this one to infertility and trying to get pregnant. Don’t ask that person each month if they are pregnant. If they aren’t, they’ll tell you when they are ready and bringing up the fact that they had another disappointing month is just hurtful.

Things you CAN say or do if they are in my life and want to (and this is good advice for anyone experiencing acute trauma and grief): say I’m thinking of you, send a card, send a drawing your kid made for my kid. After the racist attacks in Atlanta and seeing the racism against the Asian community, honestly that’s the point at which I lost what hope I did have. I’ve been struggling. Lately a local friend sent me a gift certificate to my favorite smoothie shop and I cried, just a small gesture that I’m not being forgotten and it meant so much. So, if you are listening to this, chances are you don’t know someone who is in my exact situation but chances are you’ve dealt with grief and loss and you know someone who is dealing with this now, so that’s why I wanted to mention this stuff.

Lately I’ve been really sad and angry about the racism directed towards the Asian community, and what that means for my child and my family. Of course your child is the person you most want to love and protect and you want them to have a good life - knowing (of course I already knew, but really seeing) racism will be in the mix and seeing so much anti-asian hate, bias, and racism has been difficult. That part I cannot describe in words. I’ve been really just trying to produce less and conserve more and take care of myself and my family right now, because things are difficult.

Sarie: Anything else you would like our listeners to know?

Sarah: China adoptions are not closed (that is a myth that is going around), they are paused. We have every indication that China will accept the match (we were matched with our child about two years ago) once travel resumes. What we were told is that China will start processing paperwork again when travel opens. I do have hope for and dream of the day that Alex and I will get to go to China and return as a family with our child. But that doesn’t make it easier.

I have good moments and bad moments. I write our child letters on the holidays that they can read when they get older. I’m cultivating a kid book collection for my little one. I do what I can, but I’m not happy all the time, and I shouldn’t have to be. I’m not hopeful all the time, and I shouldn’t have to be.

It feels lonely to go through a grief that most people don’t understand, but it’s also been wonderful to have a few friends (like you Sarie) who accept where I’m at and sit with it (you don’t expect me to change)- whether it’s happiness or pain or joy and sadness.

Also I did want to mention I don’t talk about my child including using pronouns or names or ages, because especially for children in transracial adoptions, the world writes their narrative for them. I will absolutely share my personal experience with adoption in hopes that it helps others but my child’s experience is theirs alone to share so I don’t plan on sharing photos or names or anything about my child. So, thanks for sticking with me - this is a really draining topic to talk about, but I loved your questions Sarie.

How has the Coronavirus changed speech therapy forever?

Sarie: Thank you so much for sharing with us today Sarah. I know it’s hard to talk about and we’re all hoping that updates come soon and a plan gets put into place to unite your family as soon as possible. And while Coronavirus has changed many of our lives forever - such as in Sarah’s example, as we’ve been reflecting on this working year and all the things we’ve learned, Sarah and I have been talking a bit about how much speech therapy sessions have changed. In a more lighthearted segment we are glancing into our Magic 8 ball to guess which of the things that are new in the speech therapy world will stand the test of time and which changes are just temporary.

Sarah: I loved the magic 8 ball, and I’m glad we have a more lighthearted segment next. OK, so first of all I don’t know any more than anyone else what is going to happen, so these are just guesses but:

As families get more comfortable with virtual learning, it's possible that if kids are sick they may participate via video even if the rest of our group is in person because school is in session. I don’t think this will become mandatory, but this may be a possibility - especially for kids with chronic health issues.
Snow days or other weather-related closures may be a thing of the past. Now that we’ve become practiced in virtual schooling and we have platforms and systems set up, we may have virtual school days instead of weather-related closures. I don’t know, it’ll be interesting to see.
I’m really not sure if green screens were a passing fad (I hope not), but I do think there will be more use of digital platforms like Boom for interactive learning activities, and I think Boom will start having more competition. Teacher’s Pay Teachers is developing their own learning platform which seems to currently not have a ton of features, but I think they’ll get there and I think this more businesses will want in on the money to be made there. So, I’m guessing there will be innovation and more robust features but also more companies like Boom with interactive learning platforms.

Sarie: I actually had a green screen prior to the pandemic I used to make social role play videos with my middle school students but I didn’t use it for much else if I’m honest. I don’t predict I’ll use it as much when we return in person, but I do predict that I will use some of the green screen activities I’d projected as virtual backgrounds in my speech room still. I had not done any type of teletherapy prior to the pandemic and there are definitely a few things I guess, or maybe just hope will stick around.

Zoom meetings - I serve multiple school sites and in the past always tried to make meetings in person and would call in as a last resort. I predict that virtual meetings may continue as an option for attendance for folks like me and will feel more personal than the phone call because at least everyone can see my face so I hope we continue to use this resource.
Working from home as an option. I think working from home will not be viewed with such a mistrustful eye in the future. During PD days or paperwork days it may continue to be an option next year to do your job from home rather than on site.
I think more SLPs will be open or interested in teletherapy than before. I did not think I would enjoy it as much as I have. I tend to like to do a lot of active activities in my speech sessions and it's fun when we’re all in the room together. Also makes things easier when a student needs a tactile cue or if you need to help them out with a tongue depressor. Still, the biggest thing I’ve loved about teletherapy is getting the families involved and seeing how much they have stepped up to help their kiddos practice more than they ever did when they didn’t see what we were doing in speech. I will definitely consider it for the future.

Three Good Things

Sarah: Although neither one of us would have wished for the pandemic, that was a fun exercise to think about and hear each other’s ideas of how telepractice for all (or for most SLPs at least for awhile) has changed the future of speech therapy. That was a fun segment.

And while we are bringing on the fun, we wanted to share 3 good things in our lives right now before we close out the show. At a time when things feel so heavy, it can be hard to recognize the good, so this is our attempt to do this for yourself and maybe you can even implement the practice yourself if it might be helpful for you. What’s good for you, Sarie?

Sarie: key finder (a key fob that beeps when I lose my keys), beachcombing, and new clothes

Sarah: Finally seeing friends who have also been vaccinated, going on walks now that the weather is nicer, and baking - I’m still working on perfecting my lemon sugar cookie recipe.

Sarie: And that’s it for today’s show - In this episode Sarah shared about the status of her international adoption and what the experience has been like for her family having everything be put on hold due to the coronavirus pandemic. We also chatted about how the coronavirus had impacted our work as SLPs in what changes we predict will remain in place in the future. Sarah guesses that virtual learning options may remain in place for students who may temporarily need to be out of school, that snow days may be a thing of the past, and virtual learning tools like Boom cards and possibly green screen will continue to play a large role in our speech room materials. I predicted that virtual meetings will continue to be utilized, that working from home will be more available, and that more SLPs will be open or interested in delivering teletherapy services.

As always if you want links to anything we discussed today find the show notes on our website at www.slphappyhour.com and click on the show notes tab.

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